I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
