we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
