no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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