i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
