the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
