My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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