My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
