there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
