She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
