Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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