My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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