i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
