Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
