____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
