Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize