Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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