Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
