They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
