apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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