I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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