I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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