i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
