My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
