i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
