I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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