Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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