I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
