Do you still have your period?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
