I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
