I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
