i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
