I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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