put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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