So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
