Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
