There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
