it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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