Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
