You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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