end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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