That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
