I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So squirting runs in the family.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
