If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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