I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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