you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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