Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize