she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
