well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
