I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize