You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
