Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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