I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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