best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
