i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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