Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
