went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
