Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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