this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Still dying that you shit outside
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
