Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
