I love black thongs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
