tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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