I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
