You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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