His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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