so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As shirtless as possible
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
