Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
