This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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