I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
