The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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