"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
