I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
are you so shy because you have an std?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize