And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
wat bout pragnant strippers??
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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