it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
