Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
