Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
