she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
