I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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