So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I enjoy the company of your penis
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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