To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
